My girlfriend, soon to be ex-husband and I welcomed a new baby into our home one week go today. I put a question box on my instagram story for everyone to ask me some questions they had for me being the non-birthing parent. I consolidated duplicates below were the main questions everyone had:

Do you feel just as exhausted as you did when you were the birthing parent?
I do feel exhausted, but since my body isn’t also healing at the same time I would say I was definitely more tired being the birthing parent. Also sprinkle a little bit of PPA (and probably PPD) that I had the first round, it added emotional exhaustion to the physical.

Do you feel like you were able to be more empathetic/supportive since you have been the birthing person?
Oh absolutely and it’s all in the little details, anticipating her needs as well as the baby’s in all contexts. From pregnancy to postpartum and forever after.

How did the experience differ for you emotionally not being the birthing person?
As the birthing person even starting at pregnancy I was always thinking about what could go wrong, from driving, to what I ate, having another miscarriage, making sure you do all the right things and as the non-birthing parent it’s not on your mind 24/7 and you get to enjoy the experience with less anxiety. Emotionally my heart was much lighter through the whole process, which I probably think is what most “dads” or non-birthing partners experience. I don’t know if it’s because it’s my third experience or because I’m not the birthing person, but it was much less anxiety inducing.

Do we have a routine? Like where each of you has parenting time with the baby?
So far our routine has been Maddy and I doing most of the care taking since we are still focusing on establishing breastfeeding and since I work from home. During the day we just tackle all the tasks together, if she’s under a baby I do all the manual labor stuff, making lunch, preparing bottles, etc. and if she needs a break from being under the baby after a long feed, we swap. I’m really just trying to support her as much as possible through her experience into motherhood so that it’s an enjoyable (as possible) experience for her. It kind of happens naturally as we go through our days together.

How are you finding the newborn stage now that you’re the non birthing partner?
This has absolutely been the best newborn experience, nothing is nearly as scary as it was the first round and during the second round I still had to entertain a toddler while taking care of a newborn. This time I don’t have to google everything, I know the signs of gas, hunger and sleep and having the big kids in daycare helps so we can focus on napping, eating and sleeping. I really feel like caring for a newborn is a two person job, don’t get me wrong, moms can certainly take care of a newborn on their own, but having a third parent in the mix who can focus on the big kids and help in other ways when needed and still have two on the newborn makes the newborn experience more enjoyable.

Do you have the same mother feeling towards your new child? Or different and how?
I had no idea how this was going to play out, but I certainly do have the same motherly feelings towards him. I could stare at him for hours, just like his mommy could and exactly how I did with my littles. I asked Maddy yesterday how it feels to watch someone else love on her baby, because she’s been doing that with mine for over a year and I know how amazing it feels for me to witness and she said it’s the best feeling.

What’s it like watching your partner give birth, having gone through it yourself?
It was the most beautiful experience, I cried tears of joy seeing the head come out and couldn’t stop crying while watching her hold him for the first time, tears are literally filling my eyes as I’m even typing this. Knowing how painful, exciting and nerve wracking it truly is every step of the way and being able to really be there for her and give her the words of encouragement and acknowledgement she needs during and after.

Best ways for partners to show support?
Anticipate your partners next needs every minute of the day, the baby peed through his clothes? Go get a new pair of clothes, take of the sheets, wash what you need, ask if they want you to step in instead to give them (and their back) a break. Communicate what you’re doing to ease your partners mind. Never assume they are just happy doing any part of the physical labor, insist on stepping in and taking over. Repeatedly.

Are you and Maddy his main parents, or is it all 3 of you?
All 3 of us. For now while he’s so tiny, it’s mainly Maddy and I doing all the things since I work from home and Christopher works. Christopher plays a big role in helping with the big kids while we work through the newborn phase. He will tackle bathtime, while I cook and Maddy gets the little one down for the night. We all contribute differently at different times depends on what’s needed.

Do you get that let down feeling or want to nurse your new baby?
I truthfully didn’t love breastfeeding, but I can almost feel all the feelings again! I enjoy watching her and helping her with her breastfeeding journey.

What will he call you when he’s older? (Mom, dad, etc)
We think that since he will hear the big boys call me “mama” he might also call me mama and we will call Maddy, Mommy.

Who held the baby first out of you and your ex-husband?
I did because Christopher was not in the room when she was giving birth, he was holding down the fort with the big boys at home and came as soon as grandma showed up to take over he came to the hospital. He waited around all day at the hospital with us because we thought we were having a lunch-time baby but ended up being a 6:03pm baby.

Did you find it more difficult to bond with the baby as the non-birthing parent?
No at all, I absolutely adore him. It might have been even easier because I’ve broken down all the unnecessary expectations and standards I put on myself with my own kids.

Do I feel left out?
Not at all, if anything we try to make sure Christopher doesn’t feel left out since we are doing most of the baby care for now.

Do we want more kids?
As for Maddy and I, we are done. She thinks I’m crazy for even doing it two times. haha.

Having been in both roles now, what do you think the main challenges are?
The biggest challenges for me were the physical and hormonal recovery from being the birthing person. As well as everything being so new and scary, but this is like riding a bike.

How long do you spend in the bathroom now?
This was so funny I had to put it here haha – the same amount as before. 🙂

Who’s on the birth certificate?
Christopher and Maddy.

Do you equally share the night wake ups?
Maddy and I do, we are supplementing at the moment so she breastfeeds and then I bottle feed. Sometimes she’s too tired to wake up so I’ll just do a bottle so she can get her beauty sleep. Christopher is on the other side of the house with the baby monitor for the big kids, he wakes up with them so we can get an extra hour of sleep, then I wake up and take them to school. I want to keep our usual routines with the big boys so they don’t feel left out.

What can birthing partner do to make non-birthing partner feel more included when EBF?
I feel like there’s so many things a non-birthing partner can do to help, changing diapers, bath-time, picking the clothes, packing the bags, sure it’s not feeding but plenty of opportunities to join in the care for the baby.

Is it hard not to over step because you have been in the lead “mom” role for so long?
I don’t feel like we’ve run into this issue yet, since we are really in survival mode but we’ve talked a lot about parenting decisions and how we are going to handle them beforehand so it doesn’t become an in-the-moment problem. But for now, I share my experiences — as well as the knowledge/experiences from friends–and we make a decision that is best for us now.

How do Maddy & your ex husband get along? Any jealousy?
They get along great, even better than Christopher and I sometimes.

Is that couch really uncomfortable?
This is hilarious, I slept in the hospital bed with Maddy because it was truly so uncomfortable and since I already have back and hip problems we didn’t want to get worse, plus the snuggling was an added bonus of familiarity in and unfamiliar place.

Will you also be breastfeeding?
No, that ship has sailed for me and the wells are permanently dried up, but I do help with the formula supplement feeds.

Do you have more empathy for “dads” or non-birthing partners after this experience?
A little yes, when it comes to how lackadaisical they can be about situations, they don’t realize how much overthinking we really do for everyone in the family. They just don’t know what they don’t know.

How did you cope with seeing your partner in pain?
Oh I stress sweated, a lot.

Best way to bond with the baby?
Holding, admiring their features, the noises they make, the way they sleep, burping/feeding/changing/bathing whenever possible, taking lots of photos, watching Maddy’s face light up, just being as present as possible.

Comment below if you have any questions I didn’t already answer.