I didn’t always dream of being a stay at home mom but once I had that baby growing in my belly I knew, especially after having a miscarriage, I didn’t want to miss a thing. I’ve been a SAHM for 3.5 years and it’s coming to an end, by choice.
The first year was a mix of chaos and bliss. All of the new mom experiences came and went. We went to indoor playgrounds and museums. We got sick, very sick. We went to parties, that we had to rush home for a crying tired baby. We traveled a little and most importantly we saw all the friends and all the family, all the time. It was crazy, but beautiful. I didn’t love every minute but I didn’t hate it. Now I’m a stay-at-home mom of two and my youngest’s first year was nothing like my oldest’s. We’ve been stuck inside, hardly seeing friends and family. We’ve tried to make the best of it and he truly has been the light during the darkest of years.
Something in me has started to change. Over the last 6 months I found myself feeling less and less engaged, less present in the moment. I don’t feel like myself. Also dreading the days to come because we almost always have nothing to do or very little to look forward to. This is the part where I have to disclose how much I love my kids so I don’t come off like a crazy bad mom, but I can’t go to the park anymore. I feel like I’m going to lose it.
Not to justify my situation but my husband works, 24/7. We don’t have weekends off together to break up the week. He’s usually not home at dinner time. I’m just drained.
Recently we hired a nanny for 2 days a week so I could get a “break.” A break of working 8 hours straight-haha-only a mom would understand that. I found on those days, I was my best self with my kids when I was with them. I felt relaxed and excited to see them when the day was done. I felt recharged.
I depended so much on my family to either visit us or I would go to their house to fill the seemingly endless monotonous days and weeks and when they had to cancel, I felt devastated. It was all I was holding onto.
Truthfully, my nanny showed me it was ok to take a step back. As a former A-type kind of mom. She eased me into trusting other people with my kids and showed me how much I truly needed a break.
For some being a stay at home mom is a dream and in the beginning it was for me too. I never wanted to go back. I’m not sure what changed but all I know is that it did. I’m not the happy mom I used to be. Counting down the minutes till my husband gets home every single day, counting down the days till I can have another adult conversation, counting down the times anyone has asked me how I’m doing, I feel suffocated in my role lately.
I’ll still be working from home so I will always be here when they do need me. I feel like I’ve fallen into some kind of delayed postpartum depression, is that even a thing? I have no energy to do anything or go anywhere. It’s like those commercials where the colors seem so dull and grey. I feel myself being short with everyone and everything. Feeling beyond touched out at the end of the day, that I don’t even want a hug from my husband. I don’t want to cook, I don’t want to clean. Who am I kidding those are not new personality traits.
Guess you can just say something had to give and I already feel this new sense of happiness knowing I won’t be doing this for an eternity, day in and day out. I was able to enjoy my kids better today because I know these summer vacation days are numbered. Just like I looked forward to our nanny days, I look forward to daycare days.
I’m doing this for myself which will only benefit everyone around me. Our kids need a happy mom because then we will have happy kids. I’ll be a better wife, not always on the verge of a mental breakdown, hopefully.
With all that being said, some parents love being a SAHM or SAHD and more power to you. I’m just writing this to normalize the feelings some moms go through.
If you feel or felt the same way, there’s no shame in admitting that having a break from your kids makes you a better mother. This is a new perspective for me and knowing there will be brighter days ahead is exciting.
I’m just figuring out what isn’t working out for us anymore and doing my best to make it right. For all of us.
I feel you! . Much love you you. 💜
i totally get it but in case I was feeling like this already after 8 months. maybe it‘s also because of the covid19 situation but it was the best decision to go back to work 🙂
I was having the biggest mom guilt about not constantly being with my kids. Bless you for writing this so perfectly. You genuinely made me feel no longer alone.
All the yeses!! I had a similar experience! Just because you make a decision doesn’t mean it needs to be forever. There is a purpose in it and you learn from every experience and choice! I am working part time and going back to school now and I am definitely my best self when I have that break away from my kids. It’s Quality not quantity. I know not every has options due to the cost of childcare etc so I definitely feel blessed. I don’t know why we feel this mom guilt that one way is the best way. The best way is where your children are safe and know they are fully loved and where a mom and marriage is thriving! I think it’s just being ok with everything not looking like you “think” it should and fighting for what’s best for you and your family. And it’s just trial and error. I started one job and hated it, I quit and found another one. I started school and planned to just keep trucking and then decided I wasn’t going to take summer classes and try to enjoy my kid’s.. just trial and error.
You literally just spoke every word I’ve felt since becoming a mom. 🤯 I love my little guy to death but I lost myself…I finally made the choice and he starts daycare 2 days a week beginning Monday. Kinda freaking out kinda excited. Trying to trust that he will he loved there and letting go control 🙌🏼
This is exactly what I have been feeling. I’ve loved staying home and raising my baby for a year, but my mental health can’t take it forever in this pandemic. I have a very good life, but somehow I have this inner anxiety I can’t shake. I have trouble sleeping.
I am working on my resume today because maybe getting a job can help me find myself again and be around adults and have normal conversations! Thanks for this article validating everything I’ve felt.
I have never felt more seen or understood in my life. I have been a SAHM for 5 years… and just like you, I got through the first 3 years with my first, mostly fun and engaging… then my second was born just before the pandemic and I’m such a different person/mom than I wanted to be. I am sooooo over being with them 24/7 and being the only one they come to when they need ANYTHING because “daddy doesn’t do it right”. My husband encourages me to get out when I need it, but one day out to myself isn’t enough to recharge my batteries. I’m just over it. And I also feel like I’ve lost my identity… I know I’m so much more than just a mom, but that’s all I see. So, I’m April, I’m taking a course to freshen up my skills and learn some new ones and get a job so that we can afford daycare for my youngest and my oldest will start Kindergarten in the Fall. I love my children with every fiber of my being, but I want to LOVE being with them again.
Can I simply say what a comfort to find someone that actually understands what theyre discussing on the net. You actually realize how to bring a problem to light and make it important. More and more people really need to read this and understand this side of your story. I was surprised that youre not more popular since you definitely possess the gift.