A nice combination of anxiety and being a first time mom will do that do you. I remember holding my first child, we were both up all night and the only place he would sleep the next day was in my arms which meant I couldn’t sleep either. I thought to myself, why do people have kids? It must get better because I see people with more than one of these! To be honest, I’m not even sure how I caught baby fever for a second child. I was really anxious and nervous with my first. I loved him with all my heart but it was HARD. Then baby number 2 came and I now have a whole new love for the baby phase.

Let’s talk about sleep. I sleep trained my first at 4.5/5 months. Yes, I let him cry it out and it worked. Every family is different and this is what was best for our family. I tried to do the go in and check on him Ferber/Fading method but it only made the crying worse and I couldn’t trust myself not to pick him up when I went in. It was harder on him and me. I did the extinction method and researchers have found that overall this equates to less crying. I was so tired and I was waiting for that 4 month sleep regression to end, but there was no end in sight. After 2 really hard nights, I saw huge progress and by the end of the week we were all sleeping. Having a nap schedule made me feel in control of the day and my best attempt at keeping things running smoothly and keeping my anxiety at bay. At the end of the day, we all need sleep, mama and baby included. How we get here looks different for different families. All day I anxiously anticipated naps and bedtime, how could I enjoy a baby who was always minutes away from another nap. Baby number two? I waited till almost 7 months to sleep train him. I wasn’t nearly as anxious about it. I also know that I won’t actually die because those first few months you really feel like you might die from lack of sleep. I even still feed my second child once in the wee hours of the morning so he will sleep a little longer and that works for us. To each their own.

I was such a chill mom before I had kids. I didn’t expect to be so obsessed with the amount of food my child did or did not eat. With my first I was ridiculous, I know that now. Worried about what he ate, what time he had to eat, how much he ate and was it even organic?! That same child now eats corn dogs on the regular and that’s if I’m lucky. We try so hard to give our kids the best and that’s just the good mom in all of us. I would make so many meals for the first child to make sure he had calories in his stomach because I had PTSD from not sleeping and I NEEDED to know he wouldn’t wake me up at night. How could I enjoy a child who I was constantly worrying about feeding him. They eat every couple hours! Don’t get me started on my breastfeeding worries. The second child taught me to be a little more like that chill mom I always wanted to be. They will eat when they are hungry. If I had a dollar for every time my mom or grandma told me that, I would be rich and I wouldn’t have much to write about but moving on. I just feed him when he’s hungry, doesn’t matter the time or how much, I don’t obsess over if it’s organic or not, I just feed him. Another layer of motherhood worries, gone. This also has changed the way I feel about my first child’s eating habits. They will not starve. (If I had a dollar for every time I heard that as well.) You can’t force them to eat, trust me, I’ve tried.

Every topic in motherhood seems to be touchy but this one I think takes the cake, screen time. I wouldn’t even let my first see my cell phone till he was much older. I worried every minute over the 2 hours if I was a bad mom, but TV calmed my child snarling sobbing monster after his afternoon nap. I would even worry that when he was with his grandma if he was watching TV over there and I didn’t know how long… Ok enough, you see where this is going. Did I tell you I was an anxious first time mom? Now that I have two, living through a pandemic and Florida heat. We watch TV whenever we want and every now and then I have to shush my mom guilt but again, this works for us. We are all just doing the best we can. Screen time keeps my toddler out of trouble while I’m putting the baby down for a nap. Screen time has also taught him things that would make any mother proud. My youngest? I give him my cell phone at 6am to keep him still in our bed and he always accidentally dials someone from my favorite list, it’s pretty funny to be honest.

I worried all day and night with my first, no wonder I was unsure about the baby phase. I was so caught up trying to be the “perfect” mom with my first that I almost couldn’t even enjoy him. Counting the minutes he nursed, how much did he eat, what did he eat, will he nap, how long did he nap and should I turn off the tv? I look back through my photos and I want to do it all over again. I guess that’s why some of us have more than one child but I thought I had to live by all these unwritten rules, which made the baby phase so hard for me. I was overwhelmed, constantly. I wanted another baby but when I was pregnant I would say how I wanted to fast-forward to 1 year because I guess that’s when things calmed down for me emotionally, and now? I don’t want my youngest to even grow up. I can love him better, because I’ve changed. I have less worry in my heart which makes room for more love. I can enjoy him because I’m not freaking out the whole time. I love the baby phase and I don’t want it to end. I didn’t realize a mother is also reborn with each child. People will ask me how do I not feel guilty for saying these things about my first, but I’m only human. I cannot change this for myself but maybe talking about it can change it for someone else. Which is exactly why I write, joke, sing and do Tiktok dances about motherhood. I want another mom to know she’s not alone if she feels this way.

No matter what number child you are on, or even if you still feel like the anxious mom I was, just remind yourself, you are doing your best. If you’re holding your first baby, it will get better. If you are pregnant with your second, it will be different. You will love differently because they are different and so are you.