I never felt like I was enough. 

At one point I was 115 pounds dripping wet wondering if I was too fat to show my stomach at the gym. I ate saltine crackers and peanut butter for breakfast, eating salads every meal because I thought that being skinny was the most important thing we could do with our bodies. 

I’ve gone through numerous obsessive workout phases in my life and I always ended up taking it too far. It would take over my life completely, to the point where I was no longer enjoying the company of my friends at dinner or too afraid to have a drink to undo everything I’ve worked so hard for and yet no matter what I looked like on the outside, I felt the same on the inside. 

I felt incomplete, never pretty enough, not blonde enough, I never felt like I was enough physically. I was putting so much emphasis on my physical appearance rather than what truly mattered, learning to love myself for who I was. 

As women we are taught to be ashamed of our bodies. No matter the size. If you’re happy with yourself and show a little skin, you’re a whore and you’re asking for it. You must love attention to dress like that. You should cover yourself up, leave something for the imagination. When we do, we are a prude and when you love body, you are conceded and someone will quickly remind you of your flaws to try to knock you down.

I couldn’t keep up any rigorous routine, it just wasn’t me. I was miserable. I’ve heard somewhere once that if you have to kill yourself to maintain something, it probably wasn’t meant for you. 

That’s the significance of my triangle tattoo. It’s a reminder for me to stay balanced. Emotionally and physically. Everything in moderation. 

Since then, I’ve learned to appreciate my body for more than it’s physical appearance. My body gives me each day to be with my children, that I can sit at the computer and write this to connect with all of you. That I am here, I am present. 

What we DO with our bodies is far more interesting than what it looks like. 

Sure, creatively, it’s fun to dress our avatar and that is a beautiful form of self expression. It’s how we talk to ourselves about our bodies that is the difference.

I remember being made fun of a lot for my looks when I was younger. The fact that I was skinny and tall, at the time, I guess it wasn’t “cool.” I was made fun of for having short hair. I was made fun of for dressing like a tomboy. I’m pretty sure that’s exactly when I learned the art of blending in. I hid my weird, hid my body, grew out and bleached my hair and tried my best to fit in. After that I was then bullied and sent death threats for being pretty. Go figure. 

What I learned is that the hate comments weren’t going to go away, no matter how I looked. The goal should have never been for them to stop but for me to love myself enough that they didn’t matter anymore.

And here I am today, just the adult version of my younger self. This is the size my body wants to be. I’m no longer punishing it. I’ve given myself permission to be silly and laugh at myself again. Third and final attempt to love my short hair and last but not least, the comfort and confidence in dressing like a tomboy because this is how I feel the most, me.

If I could tell my younger self, and anyone I love anything, it would be this: What others think of you is none of your business. Being your true self will balance you. Your physical appearance isn’t for anyone else but yourself, make yourself happy first and the rest will fall into place. That you are and always have been enough and the people who made you feel that you are not, are simply still on their own journey of healing.

We will never be for everyone, but it’s important that you are for yourself. 

You have to dance to the beat of your own drum, otherwise you might lose yourself in someone else’s song.